I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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