My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Text me some of your sweat
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
