Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
