If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My boob is missing a layer of skin
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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