One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
