he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
