That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
