What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
