My cat gives me a boner
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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