I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
