i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
