HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
