Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
