Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
