we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
