does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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