2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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