its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize