and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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