nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
