how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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