I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
