"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
