I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize