dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
