Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
