You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
