Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
