upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
