Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
