just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Is Oprah even human
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
