quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
