glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize