I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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