Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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