I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
