Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize