i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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