we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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