You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
