i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
