your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I want her autograph on my taint
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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