you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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