I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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