Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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