If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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