this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
