Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
