I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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