I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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