so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
