I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
