very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
