I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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