So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
