He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
