just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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