i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
